When I was a little boy (started when I was 5) I would put batteries in my butt. The older I got, the bigger the battery.

My BFF of 24 years was diagnosed with cancer 2 months ago. I am secretly mad at her because I found out through a post to everyone on her sister's facebook. :(

I feel terrible today. My girlfriend just broke up with me because of my small penis. She said she never had an orgasm the entire time we were together.

Karl Pilkington is quite probably the only true source of knowledge in the known universe.