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I eat pickled eggs and drink warm beer before I get on crowded subway trains just so I can look at the expression on people's faces from my silent-but-deadlies.
Rating:   36 Ups   26 Downs  
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I'm the reason your obese cat, Max, "ran away." He always came in my house, pissed on my furniture, and hissed at me. You never cared. He lives on a farm, now.
Rating:   32 Ups   31 Downs  
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I have beaten a polygraph.....
I did rob that store....
Rating:   35 Ups   38 Downs  
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Midgets are really creepy...they're ruining everything.
Rating:   33 Ups   38 Downs  
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I've peed in most ever public pool I've ever been in. I figure someone else beat me to it, so why bother holding it?
Rating:   21 Ups   28 Downs  
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