Hey admin guy, do you forward these to the cops?
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Seriously, if I am reading this right you are not having flashbacks to someone you lost to suicide or homicide, you think that you have to act out for not speaking up.
You have sent this out as a cry for help. You do deserve to get help. There are online depression forums you can get support from if you can't bring yourself to call a hotline.
Find a way to live so that the person who is gone can live through you.
http://www.pbs.org/wnet/cryforhelp/episodes/resources/hotlines-and-web-sites-for-teens/11/
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To the OP - do not dwell in the past, you cannot change it. Make something of your life, make up for your mistake, now is the time to help others. In doing so you may be able to forgive yourself. Good luck!
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Your shame is a sign don't want to be that man. Now do what you can to reconcile your past and move boldly into your future, ever ready to right any wrong. Chin-up, focus on being attentive and be ready to act bravely in the future. Repeated acts of courage will make you courageous. Guard against being over-brave, brash, hot-headed though.
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