Why don't you get professional help?
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So wait, you have a specific number of suicide letters? I didn't know people did rough drafts when it came to those. Couple of pointers for ya, if you don't mind.
1) Don't dot any i's with hearts. That would just be weird.
2) Don't misspell anything. You don't want people to think you're an idiot AND stupid right? You'll look dumb enough killing yourself, no reason to add to it.
3) Keep it short. Nobody wants to read your shitty poetry or some deep meaningful lesson, to you at least, from someone who couldn't cope with life. You'll just seem pretentious and stupid.
4) Don't write a suicide letter. Yeah it goes against the first 3 but honestly what's the point? Tell people you're sorry? If you were you wouldn't do it. Tell them you love them? Same, you wouldn't if you did. Don't pussy out trying to be sentimental.
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I feel your pain. I never cut but I drink to "deal". I hate how I feel. I've tried several therapies- two drugs (those drugs are poison- made me suicidal, will not take every again), herbal remedies, nothing has helped. I was SOOO EFFIN happy up until last Sept. When will it end?
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^ If you know it was September when this all started why can't you find a way past it. Doesn't sound like it's been long enough for you to have tried all the possible fixes, especially if it's an emotional problem. Pills can't fix everything but sometimes therapy can. Get some. It will end when you make the decision to make it end. All things pass. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and the cowards way out not to mention how much it hurts everyone you leave. It's all in the way we think!
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get help.please
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I don't know why I can't find a way past it. I went to four therapists, tried acupuncture, hypnosis, christian healing, relaxation exercises, anti-anxiety meds, anti-depressant meds., herbal remedies. I was told I had post-traumatic stress disorder, severe acute stress disorder, severe anxiety disorder, depersonalization disorder... this all led to severe depression. First stop was a medical dr. who diagnosed GAD (defined by anxiety lasting longer than 6 months) when I had only had it for less than a week- go figure. Everywhere I turned it seemed to be like hitting a brick wall. Two months into therapy with one counselor, she started to tell me what I needed to do (ideas to make me "better"- I got so pissed at her- I was like, you're telling me this, after I've been seeing you for 2 months? Don't you think it would have been much more useful telling me this 2 months ago, before I wound up in this state, to prevent me from spinning out of control? Ended up having a panic attack in her office. I was so happy, so confident, so nice, had so much self-esteem. People use to call me sunshine. I was enjoying my life and felt there was nothing I couldn't do. I just can't understand how I can still feel so bad. I didn't think I was a loser before this. Now I do. Cuz I can't believe I let this happen to me. It makes me sick to think how I withdrew from life- from living. And no one cared. No one tried to help. Boyfriend and siblings were MIA.
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We all go through this sometimes but you seem to be at an extreme level. you need to seek some help for this. Please get help.
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I used to cut too, and sometimes I think about doing it again, then I remember I have a small child and what kind of dad would I be to him, what kind of message would I be sending to him. So instead of cutting I involve myself in his life.
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{Crying, crying, crying}. What a shame that a stranger can offer words to console more than our "loved ones". Wish I knew about this place months ago.
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I felt the same way for 15 years. Never wanted to deal with it but had to and tried every therapy, med, couseling they had. My mom died of brain cancer 2 years ago and it changed my world. After seeing how it robbed her and feeling the truly lowest I had ever been, I realized I didn't even know what true depression was until the day she died! It honestly "reset" my brain and I finally found out how to enjoy the small things to get by until the big picture was clearer. Here's to hoping you find what helps you!! God bless you!
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if your suicide notes are as cryptic as your "secret" then nobody will understand wtf you are dribbling on about.
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I agree with everything in the above post except for the last comment. I do believe some people on here to care or they would not be responding. But I do agree about the Attention thing.... I have very little tolerance for cutters. Yes I know a few and I got them out of my life after I found out. I hate "Poor Me, Im a Victim" pansy people.
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13 more to go until...you get the free order of Crazy Bread???
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It sounds like you may have borderline personality disorder. I have it, it's not pretty, and I've done the same things you do, and have found cbt/dbt very helpful. Just a thought, anyway.
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Everything I felt compelled to say has already been said better, so in the words of Ray LaMontagne: "don't let your mind get weary and confused, your will be still, don't try. don't let your heart get heavy, child, inside you there's a strength that lies - INSIDE. don't let your soul get lonely, child, it's only time, it will go by. don't look for love in faces, places, it's IN YOU, that's where you'll find - kindness. Be here now. Be here now. Be here now. Don't lose your faith in me and i will try not to lose faith in you. don't put your trust in walls because walls will only crush you when they fall... and they will fall. Be here now. Be here now. Be here now."
I don't know you but I love you and I can feel you hurting. We are all one, and maybe the pain & confusion you are really feeling is your perceived disconnection from the whole. I am extending my psychic hand out to you in hopes that you will feel the touch of love and be healed by its light. Be well and remember love conquers fear if you will only allow it the opportunity...
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Writing is excellent to get thoughts out of your head. I see a lot of fight in you. Most of us are too scared to mouth off to our therapists when they are wasting our time. I'm glad you shared your secret. I do hope that you can give yourself time beyond the 13 entries to find a way to be 'sunshine' again. The Experience Project or Daily Strength may be forums where you can share and learn fro people going through similar issues. I want to check back here when time passes and find that you have worked through this. I believe in you.
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Love the LaMontagne "Be Here Now" song. It's worth lookin up an listening to.
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BTW, one day of feeling like this is waaayyy tooo long!!! And when it was at its worst? A day seemed to last a month. I used to say "i'm not living day to day, I'm living minute to minute, second to second". I am so full of anger because it surely could have been prevented or at the very least minimized if someone would have cared enough to help!!!!!!
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And again, thanks for your kind words, though I am not the OP. Just can really empathize with him/her.
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You know if you encountered another with month long days, that you would encourage them to hang in there. There is a little part inside of all of us that will push us to just wait for better times. Many of us do not have anyone close who can handle helping us out of such dark times. By living through this you will be able to reach out to another in a way that you needed it. I'm sorry that no one in your life understood how very much you were hurting.
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