See people, that is a legitimate heartfelt confession of loss and vulnerability. That's what the site is for, quit discussing your latent fantasies and discussing your suppressed aggressions as if they were your real lives.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend in 2012 to suicide, too and I haven't been the same since. I can't every be happy anymore. You're not alone. Hang in there, I know I'm trying to.
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Op: thank you and I'm sorry for your loss as well. One therapist told me that when a person completes suicide, we the survivors are left to deal with their skeletons in addition to our own. It's a heavy burden that"s difficult to shake.By the way, it's nice to see empathetic commenters here.
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I can't possibility imagine what you are going through right now. I sincerely wish you can resolve this horror and know some peace in your life. Best of luck to you!
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Heartbreaking ordeal to go through. Ask yourself...who is speaking here? You? Or the heartbreak in you? What is you were to "step back" from your thinking/emotional self...and were to "Not mind" that you are experiencing these emotions. What if you were to obsever the process of emotions going on within yourself over this experience...and then allowed yourself to TOTALLY accept that you are expriencing these harsh emotions? Perhaps..this will create a space of stillness around those emotions...so there can be healing. When they come up again...repeat this process again. The only thing that works...is TOTAL acceptance that you are experiencing these emotions...and TOTAL acceptance for what you saw and what you friend did. Then...there can be resolution within. Hope...this can help. Love to you.
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PS Read the book "The Power of Now" I promise...it will help you with healing.
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One thing that helped me...write a letter to your friend...say EVERYTHING you are feeling about what he/she did. THEN...write a letter to yourself...of what he/she might say to you. It is an exercise that just might bring you a new perspective and healing.
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